Let’s Stop Calling it “Gaslighting”

Gaslighting vs. Disagreeing 
Disagreement is a natural facet of human interaction. If we’re honest in our relationships, conflict is inevitable. Whether it’s between a partner, a friend, or a family member, clashes in opinion are bound to occur. However, I’ve seen a trend of labeling a difference of perspective as “gaslighting.”
We invoke the gravity of this term for a myriad of reasons, often because being in conflict feels shattering. It can rumble the ground beneath our feet, leaving us uncertain, frightened, and even disoriented.
Gaslighting, in its original meaning, involves

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Are you sad? Or are you actually mad?

The Subtle Symptoms of Repressed Anger
In the intricate landscape of human emotions, anger often lurks in the shadows, camouflaged beneath layers of other feelings or buried deep within the subconscious. Repressed anger manifests in subtle yet impactful ways in our lives. Here are some of its symptoms.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior: One of the most common manifestations of repressed anger is passive-aggressive behavior. It’s the silent storm brewing beneath calm waters, the unspoken resentment masked by a facade of compliance. Individuals harboring suppressed anger may resort to subtle acts of defiance

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The Stress of Sexual Marginalization

Mononormativity in Therapy: Breaking Down Barriers
As a therapist who both treats and is a member of sexually marginalized groups, I’ve come to understand the profound impact of societal norms on individuals who exist outside of the dominant narratives. I’ve experienced firsthand the added stressors of living in a world that is not designed for us.
One of the most significant hurdles in providing effective therapy for individuals in consensual nonmonogamous (CNM) relationships is the pervasive influence of mononormativity and the resulting lack of education. This prevailing belief system, which privileges

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Play and Creativity Keep Passion Alive

Cultivating Novelty
The Key to Keeping Passion Alive in Relationships
 
In the realm of relationships, novelty is a powerful aphrodisiac, says Esther Perel. It’s the spark that ignites passion, the fuel that keeps the flames burning bright even in the face of routine and familiarity. As someone who has always sought new experiences, I’ve come to appreciate the profound impact that novelty has on the dynamics of love and intimacy.
From relishing the pursuit of new foods to thriving in crowds of strangers, my love for novelty extends across my

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As a White Therapist

As a white therapist, I have been contemplating how I collude in silence about race.
 
I recently attended a talk given by Dr. Anton Hart at The Center for Modern Psychoanalytic Studies, and he said something that blew my mind.
 
“All dialogue involves loss.”
 
We are born curious. But we can’t bear to stay curious; we want to predict. Curiosity is a persistent threat to the continuity of self because we could discover something new.
 
To stay open and take in dialogue, we have to be willing

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Being a Safe Haven and Secure Base

Being a Safe Haven and Secure Base
With Multiple Partners
 
Once you know that you want to be in an attachment-based relationship, figuring out how to do this is the next step.  Partners being a safe base and secure haven for each other is essential to being polysecure.  Jessica Fern writes more about this in her book, Polysecure. 
 
Safe Haven
 
A safe haven is a person we can turn to and know that they care about our safety, will respond to our distress, help us co-regulate, and are

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How to Keep It Casual

What if I want to keep this relationship “casual?”
 
We may decide we don’t want a more committed or attachment-based relationship.  How can we engage in ways that feel ethical yet also manage the level of escalation?
 
From Getting It: A Guide to Hot, Healthy Hookups and Shame-free Sex:
 
“Many people think one-night stands when they hear ‘casual sex.’ It’s the one-and-done style of hooking up. They tend to be many folks’ default unless the sex or the connection is particularly special. However, lots of people like the

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Jealousy & The 8-Armed Octopus

Jealousy
 
I think of jealousy as a blanket term that points to many different feelings.  When we dig down into what we’re really experiencing, we see that it’s not just simple “jealousy” but rather a mix of hopes, fears, and unmet needs that are getting expressed.  Once we understand what we really want, then we can make effective requests or coping strategies. 
 
Reid Mihalko and Dr. Beth talk about the 8-Armed Octopus of Jealousy.  The arms are:
 

Loneliness
Need to feel special
Fairness/equity
Loss/fear of abandonment 
Rejection

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Consensual Nonmonogamy: An online discussion group

Mainstream awareness about consensual nonmonogamy (CNM) has come a long way since I first read The Ethical Slut a couple decades ago.  Books like Polysecure have further developed what secure attachment can look like with more than one partner.
However, the heteronormative ideal of the monogamous couple has remained the dominant vision for love and romantic relationship.  I truly don’t believe that any particular model of relationship is superior.  But I do find that in straying from dominant models, we are tasked with forging our own path.  We have to figure

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Abortion is Healthcare

Years before my own abortion, I grew up escorting patients into the only clinic in my state, while protestors hurled insults and plastic fetuses at them.  The protestors carried enormous signs depicting grotesque (and inaccurate) images, and used them to physically block the entrance to the clinic.  The medical providers received bomb threats, and sometimes violence erupted outside on the sidewalk.  
I loved creating a physical barrier around patients as they made their way into the front doors.  Sometimes they cried and covered their faces, other times they looked straight

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